Vampires Anonymous
by Esme's Favorite Daughter
Summary: Carlisle loves to help people, as a doctor and father figure. What if he started a support group for vampires trying to avoid human blood? Funny, and slightly OOC.
1. Steps and Traditions

**(A/N) This is a story that I've been talking about for awhile with one of my friends. It's a little random, and OOC, but I meant for it to be funny.**

**Summary: We all know that many vampires have trouble controlling their need for human blood once they've decided to live life like the Cullen family. What if Carlisle, being a doctor, decided to help them by starting a support group? What if his whole family went along for the ride? Hilarity ensues as a group of vampires deal with their addictions. The first chapter will just be the steps and traditions for the program. They are adapted from the steps and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you are familiar with them, you can simply scan them and focus on the related text.**

**Warning: This story contains references to some material that may not be appropriate for young children. It also has several religious references, so if any of this makes you uncomfortable don't read it.**

**_Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight, nor do I own AA or any related trademarks._**

Steps and Traditions

Edward looked from the folder of papers in his hands to his father. He simply couldn't believe what he was saying- or rather thinking. _'How could my father figure even suggest this?'_ was his only thought.

Edward was looking at a paper that loosely resembled a list of steps to dealing with addiction. But instead of drugs, alcohol, or gambling it was for _vampires._ This had to be the most ridiculous thing ever. Well, except for that time with Emmett and the...wait, so off track.

"Well, what do you think?" asked Carlisle with an almost uncharacteristic amount of enthusiasm.

"This is, quite frankly, rather insane. How do you think it would help _anything_ to have a group of random, bloodthirsty vampires _any where_ near Bella? Besides, it probably wouldn't help them even if they came. Weekly meetings aren't enough to get over the need for blood. We both know that."

"Think about it Edward. If they didn't drink human blood, they wouldn't be a threat to Bella. And of course weekly meetings wouldn't be enough. That's why we're all going; we'll be their sponsors!"

"Come on, Edward," said Alice who had somehow crept into the room without them knowing, "this could work. At least read in informational pamphlets."

With a sigh, Edward began to read:

The Twelve Steps

We admit that we are powerless over our blood lust and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Have come to accept that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to harmony.

Made a choice to turn our lives and thirst over to the god of our own understanding.

Made a searching moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to god, ourselves, and another vampire the true nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.

Humbly ask for our shortcomings to be removed.

Made a list of all humans we have harmed and be willing to make all amends possible.

Make direct amends to such people except when doing so would cause harm to them or others.

Continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit all wrongs.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious connection with our higher power to determine our purpose in life.

Having had a spiritual awakening we try to carry this message to others and live these principles in our daily affairs.

-

"You can't honestly be serious Carlisle! You expect vampires to go for this?"

"I'm completely serious. Finish reading before you judge."

"Fine."

The Twelve Traditions

Common welfare should come first- our personal recovery depends on our unity.

For the purpose of our group, there is only one authority: a loving god as expressed in our group conscience. Group leaders are only trusted servants to aid you in your recovery.

The only requirement for membership in Vampires Anonymous is a desire to stop consuming human blood.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or V.A. as a whole.

The one purpose of every group is to carry their message to the vampire who still struggles.

No V.A. group should lend its name or assistance to any outside organization as fleeing from angry humans would ultimately distract the group from its purpose.

Every V.A. group should be entirely self-sufficient.

Vampires Anonymous should remain nonprofessional, but our service may employ specialists.

Vampires Anonymous should not be organized as a company, but discussion committees may be formed if they answer directly to those they are meant to assist.

Vampires Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues and thereby should not be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations is based on attraction rather than promotion. Anonymity should be maintained in all advertising.

Anonymity is the foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

-

Edward sat there in shock for a minute. After he had read the two lists, he realized that Carlisle wasn't joking. They were actually going to be forced to do this.

_Well, what do you think?_ Carlisle's thought snapped him out of his own.

"It's okay, but I don't see many vampires showing up. Maybe we should ask Alice what she thinks," he added when he noticed that his sister was missing from the room.

Just then, the pixie-like vampire sprinted into the room holding a huge stack of paper. "I've seen it! It's going to be amazing! I already made the fliers; let's go find addicts to help!"

Edward simply knew that his family would never let anything be easy for him.

-

**I hope that everyone enjoyed this first chapter. Any suggestions for future chapters would be appreciated.**

**I do intend to return to my other story, **_**The Youngest Cullen**_**, but this idea has been in my brain for a few weeks, and I wanted to put it on paper. If I get enough response from my readers I'll try and have the next chapter up by Thursday, if not it'll be up by Saturday.**


	2. Advertising and Decoration

**(A/N) I'd like to thank Mystical Beckie and Alex the Anachronistic for reviewing as well as any anonymous reviews I may have forgotten.**

**Some people have wondered about the location of this story. It will be set outside of Forks as there are relatively few vampires there. Other than that, there really is no definite setting. This is supposed to be funny as it is a parody. The characters will be OOC on occasion; I hope this fact does not bother anyone. I am also ignoring any plot points from the series that don't conform to my story.**

**Summary: We all know that many vampires have trouble controlling their need for human blood once they've decided to live life like the Cullen family. What if Carlisle, being a doctor, decided to help them by starting a support group? What if his whole family went along for the ride? Hilarity ensues as a group of vampires deal with their addictions. **

**Warning: This story contains references to some material that may not be appropriate for young children. It also has several religious references, so if any of this makes you uncomfortable don't read it.**

_**Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight, nor do I own AA or any related trademarks.**_

__

* * *

__

Advertising and Design

Edward groaned as he picked up a stack of multicolor fluorescent papers. He still maintained that this could only be a bad idea. He spent his time tracking down dangerous, bloodthirsty vampires when he would much rather be with Bella.

It was the same thing every day. Smell dangerous vampire, chase aforementioned vampire, convince them they need counseling, hand out flier and directions to the meetings. Several of the vampires he encountered were less than trilled about him suggesting that they needed help and, on occasion, got somewhat violent. Bella was in a state of constant panic that Edward might not come back from dealing with them one day.

Carlisle was having only slightly better luck. His age and connections to the vampire world earned him at the very least a bit of civility from those he came in contact with. More often than not however, he was politely rejected. He began to harbor some doubts as to whether or not it was possible to help those who didn't wish to be helped.

Of all of those advertising, Alice had the most luck. The little pixie could be extremely scary when she felt like it and she used that to he full advantage. A number of vampires said they would consider going just to avoid her wrath. Many of them were too afraid of her to show up however.

* * *

After they had finished their advertising, they still had to get the room ready for the meetings. Carlisle had secured a room in the basement of the hospital, even though a place with human blood being prevalent may have been a bad idea. They chose to have it at a hospital as opposed to a church for the simple reason that vampires and religious institutions don't mix well.

The room was large enough to fit everyone they expected, but not so large as to feel overwhelming. The walls had been painted a pale blue to have a calming effect. There were no windows that could leak sunlight into the room and cause a nearly blinding sparkling with all of the vampires in the room. The carpet was a neutral gray, but that could end up being a poor color choice if any of the guests had _food_ on their shoes. There was a chalkboard on the front wall and a cork board on one of the side walls, both for announcements and working on recovery. Over the chalkboard, Alice had painted a large banner that proudly announced, "People are Friends, not Food" in a rainbow of colors. Chairs were arranged in rows facing the front of the room with an aisle down the middle. In the back, a bookcase was set up with books related to recovery, group pamphlets, and cards and sheets with the names and phone numbers of more experienced group members, like the Cullen-Hales.

All in all, the room didn't look too bad. It was at the very least acceptable. The walls were eventually covered in posters promoting resisting temptation and peaceful coexistence with the object of their addiction.

As Alice spun around the room admiring the work that had been done, she stopped as she suddenly had a vision. What she saw must have been comical as she was captured in a fit of giggles for three or four minutes.

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but what did you see Alice?" Carlisle asked.

"Well obviously I can't tell you. All I have to say is that Eddie here _has_ to speak at the first meeting," with this, she fell over in another fit of silent laughter.

Edward didn't like the sound of that at all, so he tried to see into his sister's mind. When he couldn't see anything useful, he grew even more worried. If Alice wasn't willing to share, it must mean an impending horribly embarrassing moment for him.

"Alice," he said as a warning growl.

"No, you'll just have to wait and see. Just like everyone else."

* * *

**Thanks to Mystical Beckie for the slogan that is painted across the front of the room.**

**Alice is a rather devious creature isn't she? Any plot suggestions are appreciated. As are reviews.**


	3. The First Meeting

**(A/N) I'd like to thank Mystical Beckie, sistergrimm2, pirate-princess1, EdwardAMCBellaMS1918, and Robyn-Enjolras for reviewing the last chapter.**

**Summary: We all know that many vampires have trouble controlling their need for human blood once they've decided to live life like the Cullen family. What if Carlisle, being a doctor, decided to help them by starting a support group? What if his whole family went along for the ride? Hilarity ensues as a group of vampires deal with their addictions. **

**Warning: This story contains references to some material that may not be appropriate for young children. It also has several religious references, so if any of this makes you uncomfortable don't read it.**

**Just a quick note, if an entire sentence is in italics it is a thought that Edward is hearing. Also, there are Eclipse spoilers in this chapter.**

_**Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight, nor do I own AA or any related trademarks.**_

The First Meeting

When you want for days to go slowly, they never do. That was the main thought occupying Edward's mind as he sat in Bella's living room on Sunday, which was to be the first of the meetings for Vampires Anonymous. For a normally calm person, he seemed rather worried.

"Edward," Bella began, "are you okay? You seem really stressed."

"I'm fine love, just a little apprehensive about this meeting. I don't think Carlisle was in a proper frame of mind when he suggested it."

"There's nothing to worry about. I'm sure you'll be just fine. Would it make you feel better if I came with you?"

"No!!" Edward snapped, "I mean, they're still learning to handle the scent of humans. Maybe you could come once they have a little bit more control."

Edward's phone began to buzz and he removed it from his pocket to look at the caller id, it was a text from Alice. _You're gonna be late. Hurry up, Alice._

"I have to go love. I wouldn't want to make Alice mad," Edward said as he leaned over to kiss Bella goodbye.

-

The Cullen family, excluding Edward who was just walking in, were standing about in various states of nervousness. Jasper was trying in vain to calm them, but he was nervous himself and wasn't much of a help.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked.

_The meeting starts in five minutes and the others don't think it can be done._ Carlisle thought in a tone that suggested that a support group for vampires was the most natural thing in the world.

Just as that statement reached Edward, vampires began to file in. Carlisle and Esme stood by the door and greeted them as they walked in. Most of those that they had recruited came as well as a few vampires that none of them had ever seen. As they all made their way to a seat, the door opened revealing two new arrivals. They were in long coats and large sunglasses and looked as uncomfortable as the grace and brilliance of vampires would allow.

"Sorry we're late, traffic wasn't cooperating," apologized the taller of the two figures.

"Of course, we understand. We haven't yet begun, so you have perfect timing," said Carlisle, "Why don't you take a seat and we'll begin." _Edward, do you have __any__ idea who they are? _A slight shake of the head from his son said that they were to be in the dark if the newcomers didn't want to share that information.

Once everyone was settled, Carlisle began. "Good evening, it's truly great to see so many have an interest in making positive changes in their lives. As my family, as it were, has had a fair amount of experience in not harming humans, I think it would be _inspirational _for us all to say a few words about our lifestyle. I think I'll start us off.

"My name is Carlisle Cullen and I was born in the middle 1600's. My father was a religious man, so he was very against our kind. That led me to believe that I was evil for what I was- which is far from the truth. I hid from my family and friends because I was ashamed. I grew so desperate that I learned I could survive off of animals. Over the years, I have learned to resist the lure of human blood and thereby became the man I am today. Who would like to go next?"

"I will, dear. Hello, my name is Esme Cullen and I was born in the late nineteenth century. I met Carlisle when I was injured during my human teenage years. He moved away, and years passed before certain _circumstances_," at this her family cringed slightly, "brought us together yet again and as the Fates would have it, permanently. With my family's constant guidance, I have managed to have very few slip-ups in my lifestyle."

Edward attempted to rise, but Alice's thought's stopped him. _Carlisle's going to ask you to speak about Bella and it'll cause a scene. It will be best saved for the end._ With the conclusion of that statement, Alice blocked her thoughts and Edward realized that Emmett had risen and was about to speak.

"Hi, well, um, I'm Emmett Cullen. And, uh, I'm a vampire and have been since 1935. I was attacked by a bear and as you can imagine, I've taken it out on them a bit since then. But, then I wouldn't have met Rose...

I've had some trouble adjusting, I guess. I think I'm getting better though. It's, well it's super hard."

"Rose?"

"Yes, Carlisle?"

"Would you mind speaking?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not so much," chimed Alice.

"Fine,"she sighed, "I'm Rosalie. I'm a vampire(_If they needed to know that, there's no helping them, _she thought which gained her a small laugh from Edward.) and have been since 1933. My upbringing was more concerning outward appearances than with anything substantial. When my then fiancé and his friends left me for dead, Carlisle changed me. While I have only extremely rarely tasted human blood, I did kill Royce and his friends. So my record's not that clean."

"I'll go," said Alice as she hopped out of her chair, "I'm Alice and I really don't remember much about my life as a human. But, my best friend is a human, so I think I'll be okay." Her last statement caused a bit of stir amongst the others, but none of the Cullen-Hales thought twice about what she said or about how people reacted to it.

"I suppose that means I'm next," said Jasper as he stood and faced the room, "I was changed in 1863, and I'm sure that most of you remember the vampire wars in the South. I was involved with Maria's forces and trained many of the newborns. I did this for quite some time, until I grew wary of all of the loss of life, and I left and eventually found my way to Alice. I still have quite a bit of trouble, and on more than one occasion have put humans in danger. Edward?" _Sorry, but it's your turn._

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen. I was born in Chicago and changed when I nearly died during the outbreak of Spanish Influenza. Carlisle took me in and I have been with him for the vast majority of the time since. And I have recently met the love of my life, Bella."

"And how would you describe your relationship with her?" Alice asked. She was barely able to contain her laughter for long enough to speak.

"Oh, you mean other than the fact that I nearly kill her everyday?! I am an absolute menace and should not be involved with her life! I wish that she had let the Volturri finish me off; we'd all be better off!" He was shaking with the vampire equivalent of sobs by the end of his speech. Everyone in the room was too stunned to speak, but their thoughts reached him clearly.

_Wow, he's so emo._

_That's almost sickeningly pathetic._

_What a loser!_

_Maybe we would be better off without his __whining_

"I think that now is a good time to take a break and look through literature and talk,"Carlisle could tell that his son was being assaulted by thoughts and that it wasn't good for anyone involved.

Edward migrated to a far corner of the room in the hopes of being alone. He saw htat he would have no such luck; Emmett was strolling over to him with Jasper not far behind.

"So, Emo Edward, what's up?"

"Having fun yet or are your emotions getting the better of you," Jasper couldn't help but be snide.

_I told you you had to speak today. Now I guess you see why._

_Hey, that's a pretty good nickname for him. Ha, Emo Edward._

_I never would have accused the big one of being smart, but I like the name. I think I'll call him Emo Edward from now on._

_Why must my children be so mean to each other? I wonder how Carlisle is planning on handling this?_

_Hehehe...Emo Edward. That's...Wait! Edward, you can here me can't you?_

Edward gave a slight nod in Carlisle's direction as he strode towards Alice, fully intending to rip his sister limb from limb for this.

**(A/N)I'm sorry for the insanely long period between updates. I will definitely try harder. I'm also sorry about the boring details that you already know if you have read Eclipse. They were necessary in order to put Edward's story in. Random and fun conversations with my friend Danielle inspired his nickname. Next we will see what happened to Alice when they got home and possibly who the mysterious figures are. **_**I am also trying to get back to my other stories, but have little time.**_

**Reviews are appreciated, even if it's only to yell at me for not updating.**


	4. After the Meeting, Before the Storm

**(A/N)Thanks to **Mystical Beckie, Robyn-Enjolras, and XxLuvAtFirstBitexX for reviewing

**Summary:**** We all know that many vampires have trouble controlling their need for human blood once they've decided to live life like the Cullen family. What if Carlisle, being a doctor, decided to help them by starting a support group? What if his whole family went along for the ride? Hilarity ensues as a group of vampires deal with their addictions. **

**Warning: This story contains references to some material that may not be appropriate for young children. It also has several religious references, so if any of this makes you uncomfortable don't read it.**

_**Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight, nor do I own AA or any related trademarks.**_

After the Meeting

Edward had never despised Alice more. Ever. His brother's would never, not for all of eternity, let him forget this. Her cruelty was truly unsurpassed.

He finally reached his current object of hatred. "You knew this was going to happen,"he snarled, "You _knew_ and let it happen! I swear..."

"Edward! Enough of this!" said Esme, "We can sort this out like mature adults when we get home."

Alice stuck her tongue out at him before prancing off to say the necessary farewells to all of those who attended the meeting. Edward was fuming and was not about to forget either what Alice did or that Esme stopped him. They were both going to be on the receiving end of his anger.

Carlisle was dreading the car ride home. Of course he got stuck with the two children he had that were currently engaged in a mental battle. Sometimes their powers really got on his nerves.

The family grudgingly went to their cars, Rosalie and Emmett in Emmett's Jeep and everyone else in Carlisle's Mercedes. Emmett apparently found the situation quite humorous as he couldn't stop laughing, Rosalie was trying to be respectful of her siblings and attempted to quite him, but her own laughter got in the way.

The Jeep got a few miles ahead of the Mercedes so that Edward's ranting couldn't be overheard. But Edward didn't rant, he didn't yell. He just sat there in total silence. His silence frightened his family more than his words ever could.

By the time they got home, Alice just couldn't take it anymore. She stalked right up to Edward and said, "What is going on? Why aren't you angry? Say _**something**_!"

"What, me mad? Are you insane? Why would I be mad at my darling sister? I love you far too much to hold your stupidity against you."

"What about Esme? She interrupted what you were going to say at the meeting. Surely you must be mad at her?"

"Nope, not even a little."

Alice threw her hands up in disgust and frustration, just before she stormed out of the room. The rest of the Cullen-Hales couldn't believe what they were witnessing. Edward always had a temper and on a normal day would've killed Alice for her actions today.

The first thought to present itself was that Jasper was possibly manipulating Edward. Alice looked to her husband with a glare that could easily bring death upon the person on the receiving end of it. He quickly shook his head to indicate that he had no part in the slightly bipolar behavior of their brother.

Amazingly enough, Emmett was the first to catch on to what was happening. The sudden intake of breath from the opposite end of the room caught them all by surprise. Emmett stood slightly outside the group of people with wide eyes and his mouth hanging ajar. He looked like he had just found out that Lady Tremaine was truly evil.

"Emmett, what's wrong dear?" Esme asked, slightly concerned at her son's expression.

"Oh. My. Carlisle. I just figured it out." Emmett said, still clearly in shock.

Just then, Edward pranced cheerfully in to the room. "I thought I'd make cookies, since we're all apparently so tense. But, as none of us can eat them, I'm going to take them to my darling Bella. Kisses dears!"

He continued his cheerful trip to the garage, leaving a stunned family behind.

**(A/N) Sorry if this is a little short but, to be honest, I don't exactly know what it is that ****Emmett discovered. If you have a suggestion, feel free to leave it in a review. **

**If you didn't know, Lady Tremaine is the wicked stepmother from Cinderella. Therefore, all of my reviewers will win...A night out with Prince Charming!! Ok, maybe not.**


	5. Scheming

Chapter Five: Scheming

_"Oh. My. Carlisle. I just figured it out." Emmett said, still clearly in shock._

_Just then, Edward pranced cheerfully in to the room. "I thought I'd make cookies, since we're all apparently so tense. But, as none of us can eat them, I'm going to take them to my darling Bella. Kisses dears!"_

_He continued his cheerful trip to the garage, leaving a stunned family behind._

_--_

"Emmett, what did you figure out?" Alice asked, just barely keeping her tone level.

"& 8 9! Like 7 ate- like the word ate!- 9! I finally understand it!"

"EMMETT!!" The rest of the family couldn't believe what they were hearing.

"Dear, not to be rude, but it's been thirty years since someone told you that joke," responded Rosalie, who was always expecting her husband to act like a moron with this situation not being an exception.

"Hehe...I know!" Not even Carlisle and Esme were able to resist the urge to roll their eyes.

"So you don't know anything useful?" Alice asked, hope and despair mingling in her voice.

"I didn't say that...,"Apparently he thought better of it and continued, "Well, it might not be worth while. Maybe Edward's trying to lull us into a false sense of security."

The looks of shock that were had were proof that no one, not even Alice, had seen _that_ coming. Who would've ever guessed that the family idiot would be the first to get it.

"Wow, that actually makes sense," Jasper breathed. His shock was probably the sustaining factor for everyone else's.

--

_(At Bella's house)_

After Edward had made it out of the drive, he let his façade fall. He was amazingly angry with his entire family. How dare they make a mockery of his feelings, his thoughts, his very _being._ The audacity of it all was startling.

He drove at a break-neck speed to the Swan residence and was only slightly worried about getting caught. After all, he was the police chief's future son-in-law.

He smoothly parked his Volvo in his usual space and strode to the house and entered without knocking. He searched near frantically for Bella. He finally found her in her bedroom studying for some test that they undoubtedly had coming up. She looked up from the book as he entered the room, shutting and locking the door behind him.

"Edward, what's the matter?" He didn't answer right away which was enough to frighten her beyond all belief. Had the Volturri returned? Did one of the Cullens or the pack break the treaty?

"Really, please just tell me! If it's something I did, I want to be able to fix it!"

"Hush love. None of this is any fault of yours."

"Well then whose is it? From where I'm sitting, you're pretty mad. It's not like you to deny huge problems Edward."

"It's my family," sensing that she was only going to prod him more if she was met with silence, he continued, "We went to the Vampires Anonymous meeting, and things started well. One thing led to another and pretty soon everyone was calling me 'Emo Edward', whether in their thoughts or out loud."

"So? It's just a name that a bunch of meaningless vampires thought of."

"It wasn't just them. My _family_ helped and wasn't quite condemning of it."

"It does sound like Emmett would get a kick out of it," Bella didn't quite manage to keep her giggles silent as she said this.

"Thanks for the support dear."

"I'm sorry, it just is rather funny. If you're so mad, why are you here? I don't mind the company, but shouldn't you be dealing with them?"

"I will, I just need a plan. I need to get them back so throughly that they won't even think to step out of line for the next few centuries."

"Alice'll see whatever you plan. It'll be useless if they know it's coming."

"Yea, that's true."

They both sat there, quietly scheming for several minutes. Many ideas were discarded before they could become suggestions at a rate that would give Alice a killer headache, if she was seeing any of it. Then the light bulb went off.

"Bella, darling, would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Of course not," she answered without hesitation, "Anything you need, I'll figure out."

Edward smirked evilly. "Good. Let's get those mongrel friends of yours involved." Upon hearing this, Bella's grin was a mirror image of Edward's.

--

The Cullens were sitting around the dining room table discussing the situation that was developing with Edward. The possibilities of him going insane, discovering that he was gay, and being completely love-struck were all brought up and given equal amounts of credit. After what they had seen today, all three options seemed reasonable. Emmett's idea was pushed to the back of their minds only because it scared them too much to think about it.

Then Alice had a vision.

The family looked at her expectantly as she began to speak. "It all just...disappeared."

--

**(A/N)I know it's super short, but I was thinking it was better than nothing. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, but school's been really stressful. We've got a band competition next week and Regents exams and finals are coming up. It probably won't get any better until the end of June. **

**I'd like to thank Kasey Elizabeth, Mystical Beckie, Xxb00kw0rmXXo, XxLuvAtFirstBitexX, pirate-princess1, DungeonQueen, Robyn-Enjolras, and Shikiangel CerEbow for reviewing the last chapter and for the awesome plot suggestions!**


	6. The Pack

Chapter 6

_Then Alice had a vision._

_The family looked at her expectantly as she began to speak. "It all just...disappeared."_

_--_

Bella sat in the center of her bedroom floor making some calls. It was the night of the second Vampires Anonymous meeting, and everything had to be perfect. She hung up the phone and looked over at Edward who was sitting at her desk.

"It's ready."

"Good, good,"he said, the evil look still in place.

--

The Cullens were a little worried that they hadn't seen Edward in a week, but managed to push it aside and walk calmly into the VA meeting. They didn't expect to see him there.

Carlisle was the first to recover. "Hello Edward. It's good to see you."

"It's _great _to see all of you as well!" Edward exclaimed with false cheer. This only managed to make Alice more suspicious of the fact that she couldn't see anything that was going to happen.

There was no time to comment however, as people began filling in. Once all the vampires they were expecting, and the two mystery vampires, were seated Carlisle went to the front of the room and began to speak.

"I'd like to welcome all of you back and say that I'm pleased you have decided to return. Today we'll be working on the first step which is: _We admit that we are powerless over our blood lust and that our lives have become unmanageable._ What I'd like everyone to do is..." Carlisle never got to finish his thought as the door opened and revealed the only people that Carlisle could never bring himself to welcome. The LaPush werewolves.

_EDWARD! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?_ Carlisle thought so loudly that Edward would _not_ have been surprised if everyone could hear him.

"I'm so glad you all could make it," Edward purred, "I think it'll be a nice addition to help all the 'creatures who go bump in the night'. Are you _opposed _to helping them?" Edward raised an eyebrow in mild shock and challenge.

"No, no, of course not. Please, take a seat." Carlisle didn't like where this was going, but choose to keep it all to himself. From the revolted looks on the faces of the other vampires, he could assume they didn't like it much either.

"We'll just pair everyone off so we can work on the step for this week," Esme announced as she began constructing pairs. Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper were paired with Sam, Quil, and Paul respectively.

Jake was put with one of the mystery vampires. He didn't look too thrilled with the way she smelled.

**(A/N) Sorry about it being short **_**and**_** a mild cliff hanger, but my school concert band is going to a national competition in Chicago this coming weekend and I need to practice. I'll update sometime after next Tuesday though.**

**Reviews and ideas are greatly appreciated.**


	7. Amethyst Marauders

**(A/N) I am such a bad person, and I apologize. Now that school's out I'll try to update more.**

Chapter 7

_"We'll just pair everyone off so we can work on the step for this week," Esme announced as she began constructing pairs. Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper were paired with Sam, Quil, and Paul respectively._

_Jake was put with one of the mystery vampires. He didn't look too thrilled with the way she smelled._

* * *

The pairs of vampires, and werewolves, set to work quietly on the weekly step. Admitting you have a problem may be the first step to solving it, but no one looked like it was the easiest step. There was a fair amount of grumbling and a few fights had to be swiftly broken up by Carlisle and Esme who were acting as mediators, just in case.

Edward smirked to himself while completely tuning out the young wolf that was chattering aimlessly, Lola was her name. Or was it Lilly? Leah maybe? At any rate, whatever she had to say probably wasn't that important to begin with; the thoughts of those around him were _so_ much more interesting.

The pack were the only ones who knew his plan, so they were pretty amused at "getting back at the leeches"(Quil's words, not his own). His family was alternating between trying to work out what he was planning, fretting over how it all would affect the treaty, and trying in vain to focus on those they were supposed to be helping. Well, except for Emmett, he just sat there having a grand old time throwing paper at Embry. Sometimes he'd even get extra creative and fold it into an airplane or paper football. The other vampires in the room, who didn't really know werewolves even existed, were distracted by the odd smell the newcomers gave off but not all that angry or distressed.

"Are you even trying to _pretend_ to listen?!" Lilly, or _was_ it Leah, hissed.

"No, is there a reason I should?" Edward replied without even a moment's hesitation.

"Isn't part of your _plan_ to make people...errr... vampires think you want to help us? Doesn't seem so smart to ignore us," the werewolf who may or may not be Lilly snapped.

"Wrong again. My plan for all of you is for me to help you help me trick them." He decided she obviously wasn't the smartest of the dogs (which really was saying something) and left her to her own devices to sort out what he just said.

* * *

An hour later it didn't look like a whole lot of progress had been made, but Carlisle thought it would likely be a good time to close the meeting. Everyone was tense with the LaPush pack there even if they didn't know why, and his family looked apt to dismember Edward at any moment. He felt that would turn out better if it was done in the privacy of their own home.

"I'd like to thank everyone for coming. I think we've made a considerable amount of progress tonight, and we're that much closer to becoming independent of our addictions. As always, you are all welcome to stay as long as you would like and mingle or discuss things with any of the older group members should you so choose. Have a nice night!" Carlisle waved cheerfully at those who normally left early and made his way over to the back table.

Jake was already at the back table talking with Edward.

"...I don't know man, she just seemed weird. All secretive and whatever, she just didn't feel _right_. Somehow not like the rest of you."

"I've gotten that vibe too Black. I'll keep an eye on her."

Neither Carlisle or Jake's partner from the evening were watching their steps very carefully. She was walking towards the door and he was going to the back of the room. If they _had_ been looking where they were headed they wouldn't have crashed into one another, knocking the woman to the floor.

"So sorry Miss, I really should watch my step," Carlisle said as he leaned over to help her up.

Her sunglasses had tumbled from her face as she did so towards the floor, and for the first time anyone who was looking got a good look at her face.

"Jane?" Carlisle's voice was so thick with shock that even the Pack looked up, and Emmett was there to catch him as he swayed ever so slightly.

* * *

**(A/N) There you have it, now you know who mysterious stranger number one is. I'm going to have the next chapter up either Sunday or the wee hours of Monday morning. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I appreciate reviews.**

**Thanks to sistergrimm2, XxLuvAtFirstBitexX, and Shikiangel CerEbow for reviewing the last chapter!**


	8. But, you're like, OMG!

**(A/N) Wow, two chapters in one week! Welcome to the joys of summer vacation. This chapter is about Jane and why she's at the VA meetings. Some parts of her life may be a little odd and as we don't know much about the vampires of Italy anyway, I felt safe throwing cannon out the window.**

* * *

Chapter 8

_"Jane?" Carlisle's voice was so thick with shock that even the Pack looked up, and Emmett was there to catch him as he swayed ever so slightly._

* * *

The room was dead silent, none of the vampires even dared to breathe. The room at large generally knew, acknowledged , and was terrified of the fact that she was a member of the Volturri. The werewolves knew that she was one of the "bad guys", but didn't quite know to what extent so they followed the lead of everyone else.

"Oh my gosh! But, wait, like why's she here? This is like, a meeting thingy for like vampire people to like, get help and stuff! And she's like totally evil!" A blonde vampire from the back of the room cried.

_And you're an airhead valley girl who's still stuck in the 1980s. Bitch. _Jane's thoughts made Edward chuckle out loud, something his family wasn't prepared for.

_Dude, did you finally just crack? _Emmett wondered, Edward answered with a slight shake of his head.

Carlisle, naturally, was the first to recover from the shock. He bent down and offered Jane his hand in order to help her up.

"I said that anyone who took the step to find help here would be welcome to it and I meant it. But that in mind I must ask, why are you here Jane?"

Jane took his hand and nodded her thanks as she stood. "I just, well, I had some issues in Italy and wanted some help working them out. I was sent here by the other members of the Volturri to spy on your family Carlisle. I heard about the group and thought it would be a way for me to get help. Should I leave? I don't want to be any trouble."

"You're not a problem at all. Esme, why don't we go for a walk with Jane. I think it would be beneficial for everyone; the kids can handle everything here."

Esme nodded and walked out the door shortly behind her husband and one of the most terrifying members of the vampire aristocracy after shooting a warning glance behind her at the rest of her family.

* * *

The unlikely trio ran until they reached a strip of land where it was unlikely they'd be overheard. "Walking" is quite the loose term with vampires.

When they had set a reasonable pace for a few minutes, Carlisle began to speak.

"So Jane, what are these problems you mentioned?"

"It's kind of awkward..."

"If it makes you feel any better I _am_ a doctor." Esme and Jane both laughed quietly.

"You are, aren't you? There's this guy, and I'm pretty sure I like him a little. No, I take that back. I love him."

"Love is a beautiful thing,"Esme noted, giving Jane time to think about her phrasing.

"Yes it is. The problem lies with _him_," Jane sighed, not really wanting to continue, "I've known him for almost all my life, but he doesn't treat me like I'm a vampire. He treats me more like a tool- something he can just use at his whim and doesn't really care for. He'll probably only notice I'm gone the first time he needs me in battle and I'm not there."

"He doesn't really seem worth your time then dear," Esme said, laying an arm across the girl's shoulders.

"I know he isn't. It'll be easier to start over away from him and with a new group of people. I guess that's most of the reason I'm here."

"We'll be here for you if you'll let us, if you'll make the effort Jane. Our family is always open to having others join us, for however long you need. If I might ask, who is this man?" Carlisle asked, truly smiling at the vampire for the first time.

"It's Aro."

"Aro?" Esme and Carlisle asked at the same time. Neither could believe that the highly insane vampire would be able to hold anyone's interest, even Jane's.

"You don't see why?" Seeing them shake their heads she continued, "But, he's so perfect! Or, I thought so. He saved me, he trained me, he protected me. He's been almost my whole universe for most of my life. He's just Aro: the vampire I love."

For possibly the first time, Carlisle was left speechless. Esme managed to pick up where he failed.

"I suppose love doesn't always make sense. If he seems not quite right for you, you should take your time here and try to sort things out before you go back. I'm sure our children wouldn't have a problem with you living with us for a while if you'd like."

"Thank you Esme, I'm really glad you'll help." Jane threw her arms around the other woman in the first embrace she had the conscious memory of giving.

* * *

**(A/N) Tada! The life of Jane:Part One. Thoughts and suggestions are always helpful. Thanks to Shikiangel CerEbow and Danielle for reviewing the last chapter.**

**Up Next: What happened inside the meeting and how the other Cullen-Hales feel about adding Jane to the family.**


	9. AHH! It burns!

**(A/N) I'm awful and feel truly sorry for anyone who was waiting for this. I hope this makes up for it, and I'll be updating more with my best friend harassing me at every opportunity. You can thank(or blame) her for this. **

**I shamelessly lifted popular clichés and sayings from icons. To the people they belong to, my apologies. I claim no credit to anything other than the plot.**

_"You don't see why?" Seeing them shake their heads she continued, "But, he's so perfect! Or, I thought so. He saved me, he trained me, he protected me. He's been almost my whole universe for most of my life. He's just Aro: the vampire I love."_

_For possibly the first time, Carlisle was left speechless. Esme managed to pick up where he failed._

_"I suppose love doesn't always make sense. If he seems not quite right for you, you should take your time here and try to sort things out before you go back. I'm sure our children wouldn't have a problem with you living with us for a while if you'd like."_

_"Thank you Esme, I'm really glad you'll help." Jane threw her arms around the other woman in the first embrace she had the conscious memory of giving._

_-_

_(Inside the meeting)_

Alice turned to Edward. "What in the name of all that is right was that?"

"I'm not sure, I didn't think it was important enough to try to look if it wasn't there."

"D-didn't...think-k....not...im-important-t...enough?" Alice was stuttering angrily, clearly dissatisfied with Edwards response.

"It's her mind, not mine. It's rude to rifle through her thoughts."

"SHE'S EVIL!" Alice yelled.

"Jeez, Alice chill. If she was evil she wouldn't have come and would've just gone and killed Bella while we and the mutts weren't around to protect her," Emmett reasoned.

"How tasteful leech, that's sure to make everyone feel better."

"Go chase your tail mongrel," Rosalie said to Embry.

"You b-" Embry started his retort, but Sam cut him off with a level "Enough Embry."

"Oh god. If Bella gets hurt, I- I just don't know what I'll do! It's all my fault! Bella, my love, forgive me!" Edward began dry sobbing as he fell to his knees.

"AHH!! The emoness, it burns me deep in my soul!" Jasper cried as he began to twitch uncontrollably.

"No, don't do it Jaz! Stay away from the guyliner!" Alice begged, "The tight pants will cause great pain! ....and beside, they would **not** go with your hair."

Jacob snorted. "Can't think of anything else, can you pixie?" Alice simply glared her retort.

Quil cradled his temple in the palm of his hand. "Entertaining though this is, I think there might be more important things at hand. Like, say, a crazy sycophantic vampire highly enamored with the Legion of Doom's Great Leader."

" 'Legion of Doom' Quil?"

"There's certainly enough of them for a legion- and they always bear bad news. Also known as doom, for those dimwitted few amongst us."

_Good God, what happened to Quil? _Edward shook his head in the direction of the werewolf he thought to be responsible for that errant thought. He couldn't tell most of them apart, or just didn't feel like bothering. More probably the latter.

"Much as I'm loathe to say it, as it goes against all of my almost-non-existent-characterization, I think we should listen to the mutt. He has a good point, although could never compete with me in a trial of awesomeness. You don't think Bella could love him more do you? I bet she does- I'm a horrid monster. How could I subject her to such evil when she's the only guiding light in my life, despite the fact that I have a wonderful family!?" Edward began to shake in a prelude to the sobbing that would undoubtedly accompany his self-pitying rampages.

Jacob slapped him across the face and set to work organizing the non-dramatic vampires and werewolves into some semblance of order to decide what to do with the love sick devil's advocate. Jasper was no help whatsoever, choosing instead to spend his time attempting to take the practically painted on jeans from one of the younger members of the support group.

"For the love of all that is fashionable, stop it!" _Such a whiny voice for someone so small,_ Edward thought.

It was going to be a long night.

_Ring ring ring. Ring ring._

"Hello? Love, clam down! ... I'm sure it isn't _that_ bad. ... So maybe it is. ... Look on the bright side: she isn't trying to make me into lunch. ... You know as well as I do that it's an off day when someone _doesn't_ try to kill me, why's now any different. ... Put Jacob on the phone. ... I don't care, do it now. ... Hi Jake. Wanna try and calm my pet rock down? ... Tell him I don't care that he heard. ... He is pretty emotional. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with him sometimes- and not even a fun one. ... Thanks Jake, I know you'll try."

"Stupid human; I despise her. Why'd you do this to us Edward."

"Because she's the only thing in my life making it worth living! I just felt like being contrary, why fall in love with beautiful, perfectly eligible vampires when I could have a weak, ordinary fool? It's human nature to want what you can't have."

"You're not human."

"Quiet unnamed vampire; your opinion doesn't count."

"Yes, because yours are so valuable Emmett. I'm sorry Edward, and I know this will be harsh to hear. The powers that be simply do not wish for her to live. As a bonus, at least she'll never reach the legal drinking age. Heaven only knows what sort of havoc she could unleash upon the world while under the influence of mind altering substances."

Edward began to sniffle. "Why must you wound me so?"

_Oh suck it up._ The delivery may have been crude, but Sam's advice struck a nerve with Edward and he followed it. The tone of the alpha apparently translated to other species as well, Sam would surely file that away for further inspection at a later date. Or perhaps he wouldn't. Maybe the information would remain hanging in the space between the conception of an idea and it's development.

"....They're.... back...." Alice grunted, attempting to pry Jasper from the black nail varnish and too small shirts with characters that weren't even popular when they were first around- let alone twenty or more years later.

"Well damn," Seth said, easily summing up the opinions of the entire room.


End file.
